We all know what Justin Bieber’s “Yummy” is all about. Between lines like “rollin’ eyes back in my head/make my toes curl” and a music video of peaches slowly dripping with honey, anyone with a working knowledge of emoji and/or the birds and the bees knows exactly what “Yummy” is all about, without even needing to click a single Genius explainer on the subject.

But because subtlety is an art lost on Bieber—who recently and desperately asked us all to loop “Yummy” while we sleep, so as to get him back on the top of the charts—he must keep saying the quiet thing out loud. And the quiet thing that Bieber just keeps screaming at an awful, deafening, teeth-rattling volume? Bieber has SEX. He absolutely FUCKS. He has a wife and they DO IT. He really, really needs us all to know, and oh boy, do we get it, Biebs.

In November 2018, Bieber married model Hailey Baldwin, who he then married a second time in September 2019. Before he and Baldwin met, the singer had abstained from sex for over a year due to what he called a “legitimate problem with sex” and a desire to “rededicate” himself to God. Since Bieber officially became a Wife Guy, however—a decision he’s admitted was hastened by a desire to Do It—he’s leaned hard into talking about how much he and Hailey love to bang, within the legal and religious bonds of marriage, of course.

When the Baldwin-Bieber marriage isn’t Hallmark card-level saccharine, it is ceaselessly horny. In November 2018, Bieber commented both “ur just too much” and “u turn me on” on a picture of Baldwin on Instagram, which is public. Commenting on a photo of Kendall Jenner and Baldwin, Bieber wrote in April, “Baes boobs.” In December, horny Biebs struck again: “Like my wife always says…. I got good hands,” he wrote.

That behavior has also extended offline: As the pair ducked out of an album playback event in January, per a Rolling Stone report, Bieber said with a wink, “You know what that means. Things are about to get pretty freaky.” And when a fan asked Bieber last night how he likes to spend his time off, he replied, “When I’m with my wife, we like to… you guys can guess what we do. It gets pretty crazy…that’s pretty much all we do. […] We like to watch movies, we like to Netflix and chill, but we definitely do more of the chilling.”

With the release of his album Changes today, the former teen star has finally completed his full metamorphosis into Man Who Has Sex With His Wife, as we can all tell from his recent addition of an unfortunately horny dirtstache and lyrics like “Who taught you how to drive stick? / You a fool with it, love the way you fool with it / And the way you motion, motion in my lap / Love the way you move with it.” (God save us all.)

We can guess exactly how Biebs and Hailey are going to be spending their Valentine’s Day—that yummy yum indeed. Never fear: We’ll probably hear all about it tomorrow.





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